Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"Second verse... same as the first

This is part two of my last post. It was getting kinda long; and if your like me, it is hard to follow a long post to completion when I have little ones running around my feet

You see, after being overweight my whole life, it finally took me getting real with myself to see myself. I didn’t like who I had become. My body was rebelling. It couldn’t carry my 160lb ”twin” anymore.

I tried doing it for me in the past, but the flesh is weak. When I was younger, I wanted to be “pretty and skinny”. I would lose 5-10 lbs and got attention. It was nice and made me feel good; but when the attention stopped, the eating began again, then came the dieting. It became a cycle. It went from 5-10 lbs to 15-20 lbs until it was 50 lbs and there was no way I could lose that by a crash diet! Then the pounds just kept coming on.

So what came next??? Excuses. This was not my fault! I have no control over it. I’m big-boned, my metabolism is slow, my whole family is big, God made me big, Satan is against me and wants me to fail, I have a medical condition (which I didn’t but some people do) etc.,etc. I have used every excused in the book.

After the excuses came, bargaining and anger. Please, please, please God make me skinny. You don’t want to see me suffer. I was created in your image. If you make me skinny, I’ll do anything you want. If you loved me, you would have made me skinny. etc. etc. etc.

Acceptance and lies. These are the worst of the bunch. God made me this way and if you don’t like it that leave. I’m “Phat and Beautiful”. I’m a good looking big girl. I can be big and still be healthy. I can do everything that a skinny person can do. My husband likes me big (which he does) but won’t love me if I loose the weight (big lie). It’s my husband’s fault. If he can eat anything, then so can I. All this weight is from four pregnancies. I just have all this baby weight. etc. etc. etc.

I have had this stinkin’ thinkin’ for my whole life when it came to my weight. But after having my last baby, this all changed for me. The light switch clicked on. No more excuses, bargains, anger, acceptance or lies. I have three babies and a hubby depending on me to be there for them.
They became my motivation. They are what keeps me going. I couldn’t do this for ME. If I could, it would have been gone years ago. It had to be for THEM. I’m not afraid of death or dying. I’m afraid of abusing this body so much that it ends up in an early grave. If the Lord calls me home now, it won’t be because I “ate” myself to death.

I have gotten real with myself. I have my motivation. I want to be healthy and live this life I have been blessed with fully. Now what?

I am not naive anymore. I am weak and fleshy and not strong enough to toss this weight on my own. What now? Where do I turn? Who do I turn to? Who loves me no matter what size I am? And who wants me to toss this weight more than I do? Who loved me enough to die for me?
I need help and who better to go to than my Lord and Savior. I can’t do this on my own, but I am going to do everything I can with His strength.

(to be con’t)

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